A joke for the crew—not medical advice or a guide to getting a sick note. Do not invent symptoms, mislead a doctor, or forge paperwork. If you are genuinely unwell, describe what you are actually experiencing and let a clinician assess you.

The Vice Hub clinic is now open

Welcome. Our receptionist is an alligator, our waiting room has a five-star wanted level, and our only qualification is finishing a heist without crashing the getaway car.

Today’s entirely fictional diagnoses:

• Leonida Fever: an overwhelming urge to admire palm trees rendered at extremely unnecessary levels of detail. Treatment: book annual leave. Not antibiotics.
• One More Mission Syndrome: repeatedly saying “I’m logging off now” while accepting another objective. Prognosis: your crew does not believe you anymore.
• Chronic Getaway Driver’s Elbow: caused by pointing at the map while shouting “LEFT! THE OTHER LEFT!” The recommended intervention is letting somebody else drive.
• Acute Minimap Confusion: navigating confidently into the sea. Please stop blaming the GPS.
• Loot-Induced Selective Hearing: hearing “there’s cash upstairs” perfectly but missing “the police are outside.” Your microphone is not the problem.
• Vice City Time Dilation: sitting down for twenty minutes and discovering that the sun has risen. The clock is innocent.

None of these belongs on a doctor’s note. They belong in your crew chat, preferably underneath a screenshot of your latest disaster.

Messages you can actually send

For annual leave:

“Hi, could I book [date] as annual leave? I’ll make sure my outstanding work is covered before then. Thanks!”

For a personal day, if your workplace offers one:

“Hi, I’d like to request a personal day on [date]. Please let me know whether that works with the team’s schedule.”

For a shift swap:

“Would anyone be willing to swap my [date/time] shift? I can cover [alternative date/time], subject to approval.”

For an honest manager with a sense of humor:

“Could I book [date] off? I have an important appointment in Leonida. It is recreational, involves a controller, and absolutely does not require a doctor.”

Leave approval and notice requirements depend on your workplace. Ask first; a crew invite is not an approved absence.

If you really are ill

Tell your workplace you are unwell, follow its reporting procedure, and seek appropriate medical advice when needed. Tell the clinician your real symptoms, when they started, and how they affect you—without embellishing them. Let them decide whether a note is appropriate.

Huncho’s prescription

Book the day properly. Finish your handover. Stock the snacks. Drink some water. Take breaks. And remember: “my crew needs a getaway driver” is an excellent reason to request holiday, not a diagnosis.

Signed: Huncho, absolutely not a doctor.